Lance and the New Ventriloquism Store
On his way home from school one
day, Lance passed by the new ventriloquism store that had
opened in town. He looked into the window and saw all of the ventriloquist dummies smiling
back at him. They looked so funny and so friendly that Lance decided, then and there, that,
more than anything else, he wanted to be a ventriloquist. He imagined how people would line
up and cheer for him. They would give him things, like money and his favorite -- delicious,
old-fashioned red birch beer. He ran straight home to tell his mother.
"I want to be a ventriloquist," he announced. "I’ve already picked out my dummy, and I even
know what his name’s going to be: Lance! Just like me!"
Lance’s mother became very serious. Sadly, she described the life of a ventriloquist -- the
hardships, the sacrifices. She reminded Lance that all ventriloquists must have a
"ventrilectomy" -- an expensive operation where a doctor surgically removes your tongue, and
then implants it into a dummy’s mouth. "It’s a very serious procedure," she told Lance.
She urged him to think carefully before choosing this career. But Lance wasn’t listening.
It was his destiny to be the best ventriloquist ever, and he wasn’t going to let a little
operation stop him.
So, the next day, Lance and his mother went back to the ventriloquism store and purchased
the dummy. Lance brought it to the hospital, and, snuggling it under his arm, he went into
surgery.
After the ventrilectomy, Lance woke up and tried to call to his mother, but he couldn’t
make a sound. Then Lance remembered that he didn’t have a tongue anymore. His tongue was
in the mouth of the wooden doll lying next to him. He picked up the dummy, and, through it,
he spoke to his mother. He told her that the ventrilectomy seemed to have worked. He said
that he felt fine, and couldn’t wait to start performing.
Luckily, there was a big talent show coming up the next day. Lance’s mother didn’t want him
to enter because the entrance fee was too high. But Lance convinced her that it was worth
the money. He’d certainly earn it all back when he brought home first prize!
That night, Lance was so excited that he couldn’t sleep. Instead, he planned his act. He
decided that it would be very professional if he and his dummy wore matching plaid leisure
suits. Lance’s mother purchased these outfits the next morning. Then she drove Lance to the
talent show. Unfortunately, Lance passed some boys on his way into the building.
They pointed at him and his dummy, and they laughed. Then they said that all ventriloquists
were nerds! Hearing this, Lance was very surprised. He had always thought that ventriloquism
was very cool. Could he have been wrong? By the time he was called up onstage, he had
completely lost his confidence.
The audience applauded and waited for him to start. But Lance was so nervous that he forgot
everything he’d planned. He couldn’t think of any jokes. He couldn’t even remember his
dummy’s name!
Then, in a mirror on the back wall, he saw himself, standing there with his dummy in
matching plaid leisure suits, and he thought, Boy, I really do look silly! No one’s
gonna cheer for me. No one’s gonna give me money or birch beer. I’m just gonna get laughed
at! Then he walked off the stage.
The next act featured the boys he had met at the door. They were all in a rock band.
Watching them play, Lance regretted his recent decision. Why did he ever want to be a
ventriloquist? It’s much more cool to be in a rock band!
When Lance’s mother heard about this, she became very angry. She scolded Lance, telling
him that he’d have to stay a ventriloquist. She had spent so much money on the ventrilectomy,
that she didn’t have enough for a "reverse ventrilectomy" -- the operation where a doctor
removes your tongue from the dummy’s mouth, and implants it back into yours.
Luckily, Lance’s mother found out about an illegal tongue surgeon. He was very old and
clumsy, but his rates were affordable. So, very late one night, Lance and his mother sneaked
out to the junkyard where the doctor worked. Unfortunately, during surgery, the old doctor
dropped Lance’s tongue.
Then, when he reached down to retrieve it, he accidentally picked up a car alarm, and
implanted that into Lance’s mouth instead of a tongue. At the time, this seemed like a
disaster to Lance and his mother. But everything turned out all right in the end. Lance
became very popular as the singer of an experimental, alternative music band. While the
rest of his group played weird instruments, Lance would open his mouth and go, "Whoop
Whoop Whoop! Weyoo Weyoo Weyoo! Honk Honk Honk! Oowhoop! Oowhoop! Oowhoop! Beeeeeeep!"
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