Lance and His Pact With Satan
There one was a boy named Lance. And one day, Lance decided that he wanted to become popular.
He thought that if he were popular, he would get all sorts of treats. People would give him
toys, money, and his favorite -- delicious, old-fashioned, red birch beer. Furthermore, he
decided that the best way to become really popular was to become a sports star. And the
sport that he chose to become a star in was crab soccer!
Lance had always respected the sport. When he was little, he used to collect crab soccer
playing cards, and, in the summer, when it was too hot to watch TV, he would often spend
the entire day in his backyard, walking around like a crab.
Imagining himself a crab soccer star made Lance very excited. He didn’t want to waste any
time, so, the very next day, he joined his grammar school’s crab soccer team. But, after
school, while he was getting ready for his first practice, he realized that something was
wrong: He didn’t want to practice! He wanted to be a great crab soccer player, but he didn’t
want to waste all that time developing skills and learning the rules of the game. He decided
that the only solution was to sell his soul in exchange for the ability to play crab soccer.
So, before practice began, he went out to the school playground, because the devil liked
to hang out there, by the monkey bars. Unfortunately, while Lance was selling his soul,
little Annie Brickhouse was in detention. She’d been plagiarizing! She had copied the
preamble of the Constitution, and tried to hand it in as her own revolutionary war
history project! While she was writing "I will not plagiarize" again and again on the
blackboard, she saw Lance talking to the devil by the monkey bars. She decided that if
she told on Lance, her history teacher might reduce her punishment. So that’s exactly
what she did. . . .
When the new principal heard that Lance had been dealing with Satan, he got very, very
angry. The grammar school was having a serious problem with children selling their
souls in exchange for athletic abilities. Feeling that it was time to take action,
the principal decided to make an example of Lance.
Immediately, Lance was kicked off the crab soccer team. His parents were informed of his
pact with Satan, and, the following day, during the morning announcements, Lance was
publicly ridiculed over the school’s loudspeaker system. As a result of these measures,
children began to see that selling their souls doesn’t pay. In fact, the devil’s business
declined so severely that he was forced to relocate to another grammar school. For her
part in bringing about this victory, Annie Brickhouse was rewarded. Her detention was
reduced to just a few days of community service helping install sewers in the new
international trading zone that was opening downtown. Annie was very happy about this
because she’d always enjoyed working with her hands. . . .
And in the end, Lance was happy too. After trying out for every sport in school,
he was eventually allowed to join the debating team since it was the only organization
that didn’t require its members to have a soul. Lance proved to be a very talented debater,
and eventually, just as he’d hoped, he became very, very popular!
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