Lance and the Space Alien That Thirsted for Knowledge
Once, during recess, while all the other children were playing, Lance decided to take a nap
near the monkey bars. As he slept, a space alien crawled out of the woods and into his ear.
The alien then implanted itself in Lance’s brain.
After the school bell rang, Lance woke up and brushed himself off. He felt a little strange,
fuzzy-headed. He assumed that this was because he’d been dreaming of cotton candy. But then
he heard a little voice inside him. It said, "Learn, Lance! Learn everything!"
Lance found that he was unable to disobey the little voice. Helplessly, he began reading his
textbooks, doing his homework, asking questions in class, paying attention. He even stopped
watching his favorite TV show, Dr. Softness, The Dentist, so that he could watch nature
documentaries. All of this made Lance’s teachers very happy. He was no longer a slacker,
a troublemaker. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Lance had become a model student. Lance,
however, was not happy at all. He didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he decided to find
out. . . .
His mother took him to a doctor who X-rayed his head. The doctor then presented the X-ray
to Lance and his mother. He pointed to it and said, "Ah! Just as I thought! Lance has a
space alien in his brain! They have been quite common in this area ever since the big
spaceship crashed a few years ago." Hearing this, Lance’s mother became worried. But the
doctor calmed her down, saying, "Don’t worry. Lance is in no danger. The space aliens are
here to learn -- about us, our culture and history. They are very nice and courteous. More
importantly, they have proven very useful as educational tools. While they learn, the
child-host also learns, and studies have shown that the host retains a great deal of this
knowledge even after the space alien departs.
"Space aliens are a blessing!" the doctor concluded. He even believed that many of Lance’s
classmates were currently housing them. As Lance left, the doctor called him a very lucky boy.
Lance’s mother became very excited. She agreed with the doctor, and insisted that Lance
stop complaining. He should be nicer to his new friend, make it feel appreciated, welcome.
But Lance didn’t appreciate the space alien. He didn’t feel lucky, he felt violated! He
grew to dread the little voice inside him. Not only did it make him learn. It also made him
be polite. It made him share his toys, clean his room, act pleasantly to his sister, consume
birch beer in moderation. Finally, Lance decided that he could take it no longer. He
realized that he hated the space alien. He wanted it to die!
But Lance couldn’t find anyone to help him, until he noticed some graffiti in the boy’s room.
It read, SPACE ALIEN PROBLEM? CALL 777-KILL! Fighting the little voice
in his head, Lance dialed the number. Someone answered. He called himself "The Exterminator."
His rates were high, but he claimed that he never met a space alien he couldn’t kill.
Desperate, Lance gathered all of his money and borrowed the rest from his little sister,
Mallory, who charged notoriously high interest. Then Lance went to the Exterminator’s house.
The Exterminator turned out to be a boy about Lance’s age. He had scary eyes, ripped clothing
and a wipe-on tattoo of a dagger on his arm. He ran his secret business out of the basement,
which he called, "The Exterminatorium." Silently, he led Lance downstairs and switched on
the light. On the shelves were all sorts of space alien extraction and extermination devices
-- needle-nose pliers, ice picks, a rusty, old lawn-mower blade. Lance was very impressed.
Dramatically, the Exterminator spun around. He shoved Lance against the cement wall and
held him there. He said, "Lance, do you want your personality back? Your ignorance,
laziness? Your will to fail?!"
Lance nodded. Then the Exterminator grabbed a blowtorch off the wall and, holding it
against Lance’s ear, he said, "Lance, would you rather have your face all burned up
than live in tyranny under the space alien that’s invaded your brain?"
"Yes!" Lance said proudly. Then he shut his eyes and waited for the Exterminator to
continue.
Suddenly, Lance’s head jerked back. He felt the space alien hop out of his ear. It landed
on the floor and gazed up lovingly as it spoke. It said, "Thank you, Lance! You’ve taught
me what really counts, what I never could have learned from a book. You’ve taught me about
freedom, about privacy. About remaining true to the real you!"
Just then, the Exterminator stepped forward and squashed the space alien like a bug.
Laughing, he called all space aliens suckers. "They may be smart, but their convictions
make them vulnerable!"
"I see," said Lance. Then he paid the Exterminator and left. He had a big job ahead of him --
he had to mess up his room, consume excessive amounts of birch beer and cotton candy. He
had to annoy his sister. But most of all, he had to unlearn everything that the space alien
had taught him. "Forget!" he repeated to himself as he rushed home. "Forget everything!"
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