X-Ray by Ray Davis
Surprisingly good neo-Kafka-esque writing. Snaps for cutting it
off after Village Green Preservation Society.
"I asked the Major if he fancied Mick. He said, `Oh God, no, not that slut. I'm more interested in that little whore,' and pointed to Dave, who was dancing with Mick. Then various members of the regional constabulary and other local dignitaries arrived to join in the impromptu festivities which, by some strange coincidence, were without women, in drag or otherwise. After downing half a bottle of Pinkers, I decided that positive action should be taken. I seized the moment and started negotiations with the Major for my brother's hand, thinking that he would be outraged at this suggestion and have us thrown out. Was he actually interested? Or was he just playing along? Here was an opportunity of finally unloading my little brother."
Literary Value: Good
straight forward expository writing for the first two thirds,
then he is visited by flying saucers and it all goes to heck.
"The transformation in our host, David Watts, was truly the most extraordinary. This smart, tough-looking disciplinarian type had, by the continued use of alcohol and hashish, gone through a staggering metamorphosis. Before our eyes this pillar of the community had become a delightfully funny, witty, flagrantly eccentric and flamboyant homosexual. With arms flailing theatrically in the air as he danced and pranced, Watts stole kisses from his police friends at every opportunity. His facial muscles flexed into absurd and contorted expressions that would not have been out of place in a Fellini film...David (Watts) took me aside to a quiet corner for a chat. He was extremely drunk. He leered lustfully at me through his big doggy watery eyes. He invited me upstairs to a small gym that he had built alongside his bedroom and asked me to work out on his exercise bicycle. I seized the opportunity like a true prick-teaser.
"As I cycled and sweated and sweated, I could sense that David was reaching the perspiring limits of self-control. Now I understood how women felt when being leched at by some perverse and dirty old man. It was quite an interesting feeling of power. I must admit. After some strategic maneuvering by David, we ended up in a full and deep embrace, his arms wrapped around me like a seething octopus."
Literary Value: Charming
I was amazed as when he reached into the trunk of my brand-new car and pulled out that life-sized inflatable plastic mannequin.
"What do you think?" he asked,
holding it in the air like a giant trophy. I didn't know what to
say. The thing was as big as he was, and it was dressed in a pair
of his best pants and a freshly ironed shirt. In fact, the thing
looked exactly like Phil in every way, except that its knees were
bent in a permanent sitting position. "Well," I said.
"It's you, right?" He nodded his head.
Then he ran back over to the inflatable man, pulled out a cigarette, and fitted it into the thing's mouth. Finally, he slammed the door and stood back. "Tah-daah!" he said, turning to me with a crooked little smile. "What do you think?"
"It's great, Phil," I said, and I wasn't lying. Sitting there like that this plastic guy really did look almost real. "But I still don't get it," I said. "Why do I want it to look like there's somebody in the car with me when there isn't?"
"Don't you get it?" he asked in a tone of voice that made me feel like I must've missed something. "It's for when you're driving alone." I still looked completely confused, so he spelled it out for me. "Now nobody will fuck with you when you're driving alone."
So that was it. Phil had actually gone to the trouble of making a dummy of himself to watch over me when he wasn't around. I was wondering if he'd gone insane as I watched him make a few last-minute adjustments in the tilt of the guy's hat. He really was proud of his little masterpiece.
Sleaze Factor: Advanced
"Buddy liked Angel. He was a wild boy for the women. One time we were playing at the Paramount Theater and Buddy came into my dressing room while I was jacking off with Angel sucking my titty. Angel had the fastest tongue in the West. Well, she was doing that to me and Buddy took out his thing. He was ready, so she opened up her legs and he put it in her. He was having sex with Angel, I was jacking off, and Angel was sucking me, when they introduced his name on stage! He was trying to rush so he could run on stage. He made it, too. He finished and went to the stage still fastening himself up. I'll never forget that. He came and he went."
Sleaze Factor: High
"Just as his infallible antennae had failed to warn him of the underminer in Tunica, so did the $265 James paid to lift his `jinks of death' fail to alleviate his condition. In early 1965, he became a patient at D.C. General Hospital. To James' horror, he was castrated after doctors discovered his tumor was cancerous."
Sleaze Factor: Way up
"I never hadda beer before," Paul
commented to his friends.
"What're we stoppin' for?" Paul asked dizzily.
"We're stoppin' here `cause I'm gonna kill you," Jerry joked with a straight face. "No one will ever know what happened to Paul Anchor. They'll never find you, there'll be no one to blame. They'll jus' think you've run off with the kangaroos."
Paul began to cry. "Lemme go, please. I haven't done nothin'."
"Don't matter, Paul, it's the perfect crime. No body, no witnesses. I've always wanted to do it. Now's my chance. Didn't you know about headliners, Paul? I've always hated headlines," Jerry said quietly.
Paul got sick. It was time for the prank to end. Jerry drove Paul to the hotel, where he ran upstairs to his room and stayed there. That night, the emcee informed the capacity crown that the headliner was unable to perform due to illness. For the rest of the week, for the rest of his life, Paul Anka kept a great distance from the Killer.
Sleaze Factor: Not much
but what it's got is great
Elvis was hanging around the dressing room
with the Louvins, singing hymns and playing the piano when, in
the recollection of Ira's younger brother, Charlie, "Elvis
said, `Boy, this is my favorite music.' Well, Ira walked up and
said, `Why, you white nigger, if that's your favorite music, why
don't you do that out yonder? Why do you do that nigger trash out
there?' Presley said, `When I'm out there, I do what they want to
hear æ when I'm back here, I can do what I want to do.'"
Sleaze Factor: Off the
(Too disgusting to reprint. Consult Pages 106-107 ed.)
Sleaze Factor: Wow!
"When I had my bullshit pimping operation, I tried an abortion business on the side with this doctor, whom I'll call Joe. Joe once told me he used to do abortions for women in a concentration camp in Europe. After the war, he had skipped to the States and ended up in New Orleans, where he stuck with the hustle he knew best. It was part of my job to get rid of the bodies of the little babies. Joe would give me a package with a baby inside, and I'd take it to the Seventeenth Street drainage canal and throw it in. For years, I used to have nightmares about the bodies of these little babies floating around in the water."
The Hound can be heard the second Saturday of each month on WFMU from 3-6PM. He lives & loves in NYC
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