Wiggling Wishbone:

Stories of Pata-Sexual Speculation

by bart plantenga

WITH artwork by:
david sandlin, shalom, yossarian, dix10, black sifichi, valerie haller, mag bee, kaz, orange, miss bullard, ned sonntag, jonathon rosen, david borchart
includes:
Womanizer, Forensic Science Proves Auto-Erotica, GG-1 Series Of Model Poses, Woman With One Too Many Faces, Erection Set, Psycho-Geo-Cato Travels, Hitler's Dog, I Had Sex With Andy Warhol Until His Wig Fell Off, The Suppression of Mirth, Wet Dreams Of The Pope
From
NEW AUTONOMY-AUTONOMEDIA


A NOVEL OF EVERYDAY PARTICIPATION

(from the novel: The Man Who Thought He Was The Man Who Loved Women)

A new novel by renowned, so-called author, bart plantenga, is currently offering a unique opportunity to enter the well-furnished scenery of an actual New York novel.

Yes, for a limited time only you can become an actual participant in a steamy novel full of intrigue, passion and tragedy! Set in the splendid decay of post-fortunate Loisaida. You, as a character will affect the action, the plot, the pants & consciousness of the main characters.

Frequent the bars, clubs, poetry readings & ambi-sexual soirees. Schmooze with scenemakers & scenetakers. Find yourself in bed, in trouble, in situations of intrigue with fascinating characters based on actual living downtown legends!

That's right, for only a small fee you can become immortalized right in the comfort of your own living room. Did you ever imagine immortality would be so easy? & fast!? (Guaranteed response time: 14 days). Did you ever imagine that for as few as 250 of your own words describing your desires & machinations you could become a multi-faceted participant?!

The following rate schedule is based on federally standardized costs for novel & short story characters (they are especially discounted for project members). Costs will vary based on a sliding scale of verifiable income level, personal relationship to author, monetary relationship to author (ie. what he owes you from past favors, beers, etc.), authors needs, the pre-established glamor of your persona (but no one need be left out!):

$75 - BASIC PACKAGE :
Favorable peripheral character who adds color to background. Author develops character for you based on your auto-biographical sketch & completed profile response form.
1 line of conversation add $5, each additional line $1.
$250 - FRIENDSHIP PACKAGE :
Be a friend or ally of one of the designated main characters. Here's your chance to influence plot & careen through the story's steamy scenes! First 10 lines of conversation are free. Add $1 for every additional line over 10.
$500 - CONSULTATION PACKAGE :
Author consults YOU on your own character's idiosyncracies. Have a limp, an engraved ivory cane or special perversion. Be glamorous. Live in an upper Eastside penthouse. Be a Boho rocker complete with record deal, groupies & legacy of abuse. Follow the development. Be there at input level. (inc. all dialog & a la carte options.)
$1500 - MAJOR CHARACTER PACKAGE:
Be a full-fledged major character who dominates significant portions of action & actually determines destiny of the "I" character. 1 on 1 in-person consultations offers you chances to groom & edit. Includes everything: haircut, witty lines, interesting occupation, Trash & Vaudeville or Henri Bendel wardrobe, cultural literacy, adequate level of handsomeness & possibilities for advancement. (inc. all options.)

A LA CARTE OPTIONS: (included in CONSULTATION & MAJOR PACKAGES)
$75 - Interesting occupations:
ie. deep sea diver, professional game show contestant, image makeover therapist, artisan, taste tester, private investigator, furniture stripper, etc.
$150 - Demi-monde occupation:
stripper, dominatrix, gun runner, squatter, etc.
$69 - Be one of the many "real life" lover-researcher of the main "I" character.
Price is for one night stand only. Add $7.50 for every additional "satisfying" tryst. Think you might be able to offer unique insights into "amour?" Be that wildly creative sexual co-conspirator with main "I" character for an additional $25.00. To be documented in novel add another $25.00.
$50 - For ample, mythic bosom
(Diane Brill or Jayne Mansfield variety). Men add extra $25.
$10 - For nice legs.
Men add extra $10.
$10 - for every piece of wisdom issued.
Add $5 if a main character is influenced by your wisdom.
$25 - Ability to spout colorful post-beatnik jargon.
Keep a beat, add $10. Make others laugh, add $10.
$10 - Suitable witty pseudonym chosen based on your auto-bio sketch.

NO HANDS-ON CONTACT REQUIRED. ALTHOUGH PHYSICAL CONTACT OPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE TO THOSE WHO QUALIFY. MEDICAL EXAM REQUIRED. MUST BE 18. MUST HAVE MAJOR CREDIT CARD.
Rates are REASONABLE, small down payment & reasonable payment plan. Use your unemployment benefits, food stamps, trust fund or student loans to new effect. Empower yourself!

There are no hidden service charges. Your name will not be put on poets & writers mailing lists. Total confidentiality guaranteed (creative & entertaining pseudonyms supplied for nominal fee) & no serviceman or salesman will ever call. Your character copyright, of course, reverts back to you upon publication of participating novel. That's right, you can continue to play the character you developed in your own life.

You will also be eligible to join our Fictional Time Shares Portfolio which allows you to invest even further, beyond self-esteem enhancement & into an actual investment opportunity when this participatory novel is optioned for Film.

Yes, ACT NOW, get in on ground floor, still a number of exciting positions available. Novel quickly filling up. Become a legend with no mess, no fuss, no hidden clauses, no unmentioned diseases, no undesirable bodily fluid exchanges. Join Kurtz, Raskolnikov, Lolita, Cleopatra, Rhett Butler, Dr. Benway, Tess & Bartleby in the cavalcade of immortalized characters now. No experience necessary.
Write or Call Now for full prospectus, credentials & synopsis of the story that you will be participating in!

ALL AESTHETIC DECISIONS & LAST EDIT RIGHTS REMAIN THE AUTHOR'S. FULL REFUND AVAILABLE IF NOT SATISFIED. FORFEITURE OF ALL REFUND RIGHTS AFTER TEXT IS SENT TO PUBLISHER.
bart plantenga fiction empowerment services inc. (b.p.f.e.s.i.)

back to bart!
bart plantenga
zeilstraat 23 / II
Amsterdam 1013AE Netherlands