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You Know It's Over When... |
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You develop a passion for call screening. Those "Change Your Identity Books" start looking real good. You look forward to spending weekends away with relatives. You drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much and sleep too much - but he or she is still there. You begin mentally writing speeches that begin with "We have to talk..." At the movie theatre, you find yourself saying "Shhh - I want to hear this!" You tell yourself you can make room for that king-sized bed after all. You stop washing. You cringe when "your" favorite song comes on the radio. You search for shaky evolutionary proof of the superiority of a lone existence. You find yourself saying, with a heavy sigh "Relationships take work". You enroll in evening classes with names like "How to Love". You wonder why you ever looked down on masturbation. You wonder if your partner owns a handgun. You wonder if you can get a handgun. You find yourself secretly hoping that his or her funny little mole is malignant. Far too often you mentally list all those who are worse off - like those folks in Chinese Gulags. You consider marrying the person just to get it over with. You recall with affection the lonely, squalid existence you led before you met him or her. You wish you were gay. You wish you weren't gay. You go around muttering, "Beam me up, Scotty." You mentally balance your checkbook during sex. Everyone you ever rejected begins looking far more desirable. You ask your doctor "Don't you have anything that works faster than Prozac?" Work takes on a new fascination. You suddenly feel empathy for everyone who ever dumped you. You program 911 into the speed dial. America Online chat rooms suddenly seem intimate enough. You wonder, if like Superman, you can turn back time by flying around the earth counter-clockwise real fast. |
