Wake Up and Smell the Kafka

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Has spring-time arrived? Has my fancy turned to love? Am I a young man? Strange things are happening of late - peculiar and bizarre twists happening in my life on an almost daily basis. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if I awoke tomorrow morning and found I'd been turned into a giant dung beetle. But I'd actually be a VW beetle. A cute little VW named Herbie and Helen Hayes would be zooming me away from Buddy Hackett or a Buddy Hackett-like villain. Except Helen Hayes would be played by Molly Picon and Buddy Hackett would be portrayed by Isaac Asiminov and they'd both be trying to tell me what it's like to be dead. Molly would remind me of the time I saw her on a bench near the Museum of Natural History and I waved "Hello !" while exclaiming to my mystified friends "Look, it's the first lady of the Yiddish theatre " and Isaac would reproach me for never having read one of his books and never caring much for sci-fi or SF or what ever they're calling it these days. But he'd be doing a perfect Buddy Hackett as he explained his theory of the transmigration of souls. And I'd be unable to articulate my views on the matter, except by beeping my horn or flashing my lights or belching black clouds of exhaust. Because I'd be a bug - a Love Bug - commissioned by Hitler, designed by Porsche, the car of the people, the Volks Wagen. And I'd be forever on the move, never stopping, always going, always moving, moving, moving. And I'd sell my life story to Michael Eisner who'd make it into a musical called "Metamorphosis II" and Marla Maples would play Molly as Helen and Pierce Brosnan would be Isaac as Buddy and they'd fall in love before the last reel. And they'd team up again in the all singing, all dancing version of 1984 where Big Brother turns out to be a misunderstood, sad old man, not unlike the Wizard in "Wizard of Oz". And room 101 wouldn't be scary at all. No! It'd be full of Dalmatians - 101 of 'em - all cute and lovable and fluffy and playful and they'd clamor all over me - Herbie - and nuzzle me. And they'd love me unconditionally. Isn't that what we all want? Dalmatians, that is?