 |
Public Humiliation |
|
I can't think of anything to say. Has it ever happened that you just didn't know what to say anymore? That you just couldn't utter another word without being utterly sick with yourself? Is it important, what I say, or is just more crap? I want to think it has some value but the reality is that it does not. The things I say are only important to me. The things I think are only important to me. The things I do are only important to me. I don't actually know anything beyond that. That is all I am willing to say. The problem is that I find myself in the peculiar position of being here in front of this microphone each week and I'm supposed to talk about something and half of the time I can't think of anything to say and the other half of the time what I want to say is totally inappropriate. I usually end up debasing myself. I usually end up talking about things that are humiliating. And I don't know why I do that. Right now I am making the rounds of one of the smaller humiliation circuits in the area. It's not a full-blown public humiliation, it's a smaller-scale, 15 - 20 person humiliation. Well, that's not enough for me. I need to bring this to the next level. So I'll tell you of my most recent humiliation. I made mention of it last week, I alluded to it but I didn't go into it in depth. So I will now and then you can all call someone you know and let them in on my personal shame. Here's the situation, in brief: I met this girl at a New Year's Eve party and became infatuated with her. She was wonderful. The night of the party I didn't get her number. The timing was off. So I pestered a friend of mine for weeks and finally he got it from someone he knew. So I called this girl on a pretense and during the conversation I somehow got up the courage to ask her out. To my delight and surprise she said yes and a week later we went to dinner and then to play poker afterwards. I wanted to impress her. I wanted her to like me. I wanted to be the best version of myself I could be. I don't know if I succeeded. When the evening was over, I immediately wanted to see her again. She got out of the car and said, "Call me." and I did, the next day. I left a message for her, inviting her to a movie. She called back later that day, leaving a message on my machine saying she couldn't make it but thanks and I'll talk to you soon. So the next evening, a Sunday, I called to say hello and ask when we might get together again. She said she was facing a busy week and it might not be possible but she might be interested in playing poker again. She didn't seem to like that I had called again. I could tell. I apologized for doing so she said she would call me. I hung up. Then I wrote her a note. Nothing fancy, just a brief note apologizing for calling too often and assuring her that it was unusual behavior for me. And a week went past. At the end of the week I called to tell her about the poker game figuring she might want to attend. She said she had plans. That was that. Two days later I called her again. I called her because I had moved recently and I hadn't moved my answering machine to my new phone number and in my seriously deluded mind I thought she may have tried to reach me. My mistake was that I didn't check what time it was when I called. I had been in a car all day driving to North Carolina to relocate my cats. I was pretty depressed and I thought there might be some good news so I called. And, of course, I really pissed her off. And then, because I am pretty dumb at times, I called the next day to apologize for calling the night before. She - rightly so - read me the riot act. She told me that what I was doing was ridiculous and inappropriate and that she was going to "nip this in the bud" and just hang up. I told her I wanted to say something before she did and she gave me a moment. I said something about how I liked her and had gone about trying to tell her that in completely stupid way. Then I said goodbye and so did she. I've been tripping all over
myself since we went out. The more I try to extricate myself and show
her that I'm a good person, the deeper in I get. It's bizarre. I'd like
to wipe the slate clean and start over but that's not going to happen
any time soon. This week has been rough for me. I am cat-less. I am in the midst of moving. A woman I really like thinks I'm insane. That's the kind of week it's been. And now I am closing out the week by revealing to you my humiliation. |
