Mobile Napoleon

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I've come to the conclusion that human beings should not drive. When we drive we are at our worst. "Why is this ?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you. It's because our vehicles are our domain. They are our little kingdoms, the only place where your are truly in the driver's seat. No matter how much crap you get at home, no matter where you are in the pecking order at work, no matter what you're station in life, when you're behind the wheel you are master of all you survey. You are a mobile Napoleon. No one can tell you what to do in your own car ( except for that pesky seat belt law ). You can blast your favorite music. You can smoke your brains out. You can play with all the switches and knobs on your dashboard - who's going to tell you otherwise ? So you go cruising along in your little world, sending the windows up and down, drenching the windshield in washer fluid, pushing the cigarette lighter in and out, turning the a/c up and generally exercising your absolute power over this machine. And something intrudes on your reverie - other mobile Napoleons. There they all are, making their power antennas go up and down, opening and closing the sunroof, reclining the seats, tilting the wheel and generally having a good time. And then they encounter you. Now you are forced into interaction with these strangers. You are about to play a part in the bizarre mechanical ballet known as driving. You now have to yield to other Napoleons. You must offer them the right of way. You must signal your intentions. You have to act in a way that says, "I am not a self-involved, self-absorbed person. I can fulfill my social compact. I can exist on the road with these other folks." But you don't really want to, do you ? You don't really care about that white-haired guy in the German luxury sedan or the slowpoke mother in the Volvo station wagon. And they don't care about the speeding youngster in the Camaro. And none of you care about the salsa-blaring party boys in the hopped up, chopped down Wrangler. What do you care about ? Some of you care about getting to your destination. You say "Get me out of this car as soon as possible before I get killed." Some of you care about the trip, you say "God, I could drive all day." Some of you want to be at the head of the pack, feeling it's safer out front. Some of you want to lag behind, thinking you need that extra margin of safety, that extra stopping distance, those extra seconds to think. All of you are afraid of running afoul of the law. And a large majority of you should not be behind the wheel. Because this show is capable of reaching many people at once I have a unique opportunity each week to provide some kind of public service. I've got the humbling power to be able to enrich all of our lives in some small way. Most times I don't take advantage of the precious forum I've been entrusted with. Most times I just piss and moan and blather on about life and death and the scary bits in-between. But this week I'm taking the bull by the horns and making an actual contribution meant to enhance the quality of life. I'm going to tell you how to drive. Now, you may say, "Chris, who says you're an expert on how to drive ?" and my answer to that is "Who says I'm not ?". I'm pretty damn qualified, if you most know. I've been driving for 15 years. I haven't had many accidents. I have more parking tickets than the other kind. And this show is not about parking, though I may offer some tips on that fine art. But first - all I know about driving: Driving is a lot like life - it should be done simply and with respect for others, no matter how bone-headed they may be. Be kind to each other when you're out on the street. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. And now some more specific stuff: Those going straight have the right of way over those turning. A simple enough rule but so often forgotten when that first guy thinks he's going to cut a really fast left so he doesn't have to wait and you're half way through the light as it's turning green. Those turning right have the right of way over those turning left. We always favor the right in this society, whether it's right-handed people or the might is right thing. Why should driving be any different ? At a four way stop make visual contact with the other three drivers and provide some kind of cue to make it clear who should proceed first. Nod or something. When approaching a hill, accelerate so your vehicle has enough speed to make the crest without losing momentum. An object in motion and all that. Approach the crest of a hill with caution, as you'd approach any object you can't see around. Be prepared for something to be on the other side. Like one of those huge G.O.D. ( Guaranteed Overnight Delivery ) trucks. When going down a steep hill, reduce wear and tear on your brakes by using a lower gear. And finally - Don't hit anything.