 |
Just Friends |
|
|
I was at this party Saturday night. Got there late, not many people around, music down low, discussion in the kitchen on a number of topics. Very low key party. Someone I know asked me to elaborate on something I'd said on my show, this show. I felt funny, hearing my words come back at me, being asked to clarify. It's strange when people regurgitate things I've mentioned. When they misunderstand or misconstrue or even when they get it right and take me to task. Or agree with what I've said. My show is intensely personal. I can't say why it's that way. It's been around nearly five years now and I've gone over all kinds of topics. Some frivolous, some not. I can't believe most of it - can't believe the things I've chosen to discuss, to share with you. I get embarrassed. I start to squirm and want to change the topic to something innocuous. It's hard to communicate this to you but I feel more comfortable in front of this mic., more secure talking to this inanimate object than I do talking one-on-one with some stranger. Or a friend.
When I leave here I don't want to discuss this show or anything I've said here. I don't want to think too much about what's gone on. It's not that I disown any of it - it's the contrary. Some of what I've said feels so personal, whether it is or not, that I second-guess myself and wonder if I should've gone off on that particular topic. By then, of course, it's too late.
When I talk about my life and how it intersects with others I have to be very careful. I want it to be truthful. The toughest part about doing this show is knowing there are people out there listening that I'm no longer in touch with, people who've gone out of my life for one reason or another. I feel odd because they can tune in any Friday and hear me and get an update on my life but I don't have the same luxury. I can't hear them in my home. I don't talk to them on the phone. I don't have contact of any sort. And I want to talk honestly, without embellishment and without submerging the difficult parts. I don't want to be trapped by exaggeration. I don't want to censor myself thinking I might upset someone. And I don't want someone in my life thinking that I'm talking about them to talk about them. I'm talking about them to talk about myself. To make you talk about yourself. Could I ask of you what I wouldn't give of myself ? Like if I talk about my ex-girlfriend - someone I've intentionally cut myself off from. I've never really talked about her on this show, just around her. She placed a gag order on me when we were together. She made it crystal clear that I wasn't to talk about her in any way, shape or form.
I tried to explain that what went on between us was also about me, that our relationship was as much mine as hers but she didn't see it that way. She believed that if I talked about her - even in the context of our relationship - I would try to make myself appear her victim, align the audience on my side by painting her as this mean, wicked person out to hurt me in any way possible. I folded to her request not to speak about her on the air. Like so many other things I felt strongly about, I caved in. I went along with her wishes, to keep the peace. The strange thing is that she's a songwriter and had commented on our relationship in several of her songs. They weren't the most flattering lyrics I'd ever heard. I guess I couldn't explain to her that this show is my art form, it's my way of communicating. It's got no music behind it but I could change that. I suppose I could bring a guitar next week.
When my ex and I finally broke up, after many heart-breaking splits and reconciliations, it was her wish that we remain friends. She wanted to keep me in her life in some way but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I have far too much anger to be her friend. Anger is something I excel at. Sometimes it's hard to make people understand anger or how constructive it can be. They think anger is unhealthy, a toxin to be rid of. While I'll agree that excessive, unfocused, free-floating anger is bad for anyone, I wouldn't put my anger in that category. Anger is not easy to understand. She thinks my anger is hatred. She thinks I hate her. I tried to explain, the last time we spoke, that this was not the case but I don't think I made myself understood. I am angry at her, to some degree. I'll admit that. I feel she could've been kinder but maybe she was as kind as she could be. The majority of my anger I reserve for myself. My anger is because I couldn't figure out how to win her love, how to interact with her properly, how to build something that would've lasted longer than it did. Because I couldn't keep her interested in me. My anger is really about my shortcomings, which are plentiful and well-documented. I could list my shortcomings for you but we don't have but an hour together.
I don't want to be her friend because I don't want a constant reminder of my shortcomings. And I don't want to see her with other men, men who might succeed where I failed. Is that so hard to understand ? Why is it that she finds it hard to accept that I don't want to be friends ? Would I also rub salt in a wound ? Would I wiggle my tongue in a painful cavity ? Would I scratch at a new scab ? And the other question is - what could she possibly offer me as a friend that she couldn't offer as a girlfriend ? My friends mean the world to me. They are my support system, the people who keep me sane, who reign me in when I need reigning and let out the line when I need to run. They aren't the consolation prize when love turns bad. Hell, I love my friends. I don't have sex with them but we share everything else. Anyone who can say "Can we just be friends ?" doesn't know what my friends are to me. What that person really means is "I don't want to have sex with you anymore." |
