 |
Hope |
|
Feel funny. Lightheaded. Smoked some pot tonight. It makes me too reflective lately. I start thinking about where I am and where I want to be and the distance between the two. I keep thinking that by now I should have been happy in my work, happy with a woman, happy with my savings account. Instead, I'm jobless, womanless and broke. What a predicament. In all the years since I moved out of my mother's house I always thought, "Someday, things will work out for me. Someday I'll be happy." I've had hope. But someone recently told me "Hope is a disease". I didn't know what she meant, at first. Now I think I do. Hope keeps one from action, while there's hope there is inaction. Without hope, one must act. So many of us cling to hope. We hope we'll meet someone we like. We hope we'll like our jobs. We hope we can live somewhere decent. We hope we can afford the lives we want. We are all just hoping. What are we doing to further these hopes? Are we placing personal ads looking for someone who's "kind, considerate, caring, sensitive, aware, mature, physically and financially fit, over 6' 1", non-smoker"? Are we paying rent to a rotten landlord for a hole in the wall? Are we eeking out an exisitence in a mind-numbing, soul-sucking job? Are we playing the Lotto? Or hopping the bus to Atlantic City for an afternoon? Is that what we do now, instead of acting? By acting, I mean acting on what we want. Taking our destiny into our own hands. Having the courage to say "I want to make my life better and will take do these things to bring that about." That's what I mean. I don't suppose I've done that yet. I've gotten by on hope. I've been hoping too long. H ope is gone. Hope is dead. There is no hope. And I am liberated, somehow, by this notion. |
